Altering my actions

I need to be held accountable for my actions.

I need something or someone to force me to maintain being motivated and proactive. Stop me from slipping into my procrastinating habits. Although I care about my friends and family and what they think of me, their concerns, lectures, support, etc aren't getting through anymore.

I have to stop setting myself up to self destruct.

I'm getting very frustrated with myself and yet I don't seem to be stopping my negative habits.

I want to lead an extraordinary life not a blah one.

Questioning

When I was in grade 11, I did a paper on Dr. Clyde Snow, a renowned forensic anthropologist, and decided that that was what I wanted to do with my life. I started my university life taking intro courses that would compliment a career in physical anthropology and forensic but after my second year I started to question whether this path was realistic for me.

At the time I had become interested in the field, it was still pretty obscure with the general public. Only a handful of Anthropologists with Ph.D's worked in a forensic capacity in Canada but I was willing to take on the challenge, then at the end of year 2 I met with a career counselor and he had made a comment which I assume was suppose to be encouraging and friendly. I didn't take it that way. It scared me. He said that he's finding more and more people are looking into forensics because of tv's CSI. Granted this still didn't mean the specialization of forensic anthro (although now there is the popular Fox show Bones that does) but it got me realizing that with the increase of interest it would be more and more competitive to get a job. A job that I really wanted. And needed since it takes a MINIMUM of 8 years to get your Ph.D not to mention the additional school needed in forensic and that costs money. A job that may be really hard to get as there weren't alot of them.

So I started thinking perhaps I'm not cut out for this field. I wanted a sure thing. I had always been interested in owning my own bookstore/bed and breakfast so I decided to pursue a degree in Business and then wound up worker in administration. After five year doing what I do now, I know that I can't work in administration for the rest of my life and I'm not ready, both financial and life style wise, to start my own business. I've been thinking of trying to get into the faculty of Education and becoming a teacher. The salary, benefits and holidays, which are family friendly, are nice security blankets for me after working in the private sector for awhile. Not to mention that its one profession that I feel I could make a difference in peoples lives and actually enjoy doing it. But unlike Anthropology or owning a Bed and Breakfast I'm not passionate about it. I like it but the passion isn't the same.

The increasing interest in the forensic science through television and other medias haven't been all bad though, with more and more people interested in pursuing careers in these fields universities are creating more courses and even degrees that specialize in them. Nine years ago I could find about 4 schools in North America with the specialty. Which means there are more positions for professors to work in the field. The private sector is also bring physical anthropologist on staff at coroner's offices to work side by side with pathologists and at other investigation services. This all means more job opportunities for me! Granted the competition is still high though.

Realizing that I allowed myself to talk me out of pursuing a challenging career because of the uncertainties of where I would work and the length of school I would have to go through, makes me want to make it up to myself and go back. I'm done my university degree in business admin this summer, I could go back and acquire the required courses for a bioanthro 4 yr undergrad (about 60 credits more = 2 years full time) and then apply for my MA and Ph.D. I would love to this but as usual there is always a but, this would mean that I can't work full time anymore during the school year so my salary could be cut in half or more. This is fine for a 1st year student at the age of 18 who doesn't have debt collected over the years but I do, not to mention I have grown accustom to a certain way of life. I don't know how comfortable I would be going back to being broke all the time!

I don't know what to do. Is passion enough? Should I rack up student loans for the next 8 years? Is there another way that I can make enough money to pay for that lifestyle with out being left with debt to pay off once I get a job? Should I just stay with teaching as its safe?

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**If you read this before Today at 3:00pm I hadn't edited and the ending probably didn't make much sense as I had to close things down quickly:)

I received my online order of novels a few days ago and included in them the sequel to the Second Assistant (The First Assistant). Similar to Devil Wears Prada or the tv show Ugly Betty in that its about a woman that is asked to outrageously ridiculous and many times above the call of duty tasks while in the role of an assistant. This character works in Hollywood and not the fashion industry but its basically the same idea.

Anyways, I've been reading it yesterday and decided that I needed to rent Devil Wears Prada (and Two Weeks Notice) last night. I realize that the most people that watch the movie think 'Oh my god! Why would she stay? What a terrible job.' but not me. In fact I'm annoyed that at the end she admits to her (ex)boyfriend that she had made a mistake getting so caught up in her job. I'm the first to admit that there is a lot of stress in jobs like this, the pay is rarely good and the appreciation shown for a job well done is next to nil most of the times, but that doesn't mean when you finally leave that you should discount what you did! Just because your boss pushed you too far doesn't mean the rest was bad.

Also I hate the part in the movie where Andrea meets her friends at a restaurant (after she started dressing the part and is excelling in her job) and Miranda calls. Her friends toss her cellophane between each other and tease her that they are going to answer it, all the while she's frantically trying to get it back before it hangs up and thus get in trouble from Miranda. After her conversation with her boss she turns to her friends and says they don't need to be such ass holes and leaves. Like her friends, most people would think she's the bitch in the situation and its was just a joke, since they figure she's on her off time and shouldn't have to be on call all the time, but I get so upset during this scene because I feel like its me. I know that it seems unfair to be on call 24/7, and personally I draw the line on answering it when my boss calls during certain times of the evening, but like Andrea I carry a cell that makes me on call 24/7 and when I answer it I wouldn't (don't) appreciate my friends trying to sabotage the conversation by trying to distract me or making noises so I can't hear.

As much as I bitch about hating my job sometimes, I do take it seriously and prefer to act professional while on the phone. Those antics don't help me, in fact make a quick conversation drag out as I'm either distracted or can't hear and need things repeated. I agreed to take a cell home with me when I was hired, I knew that meant I would be reachable after hours, granted I didn't think I would be called so regularly but regardless I would never try to disrupt someone else's business call. Hence my annoyance with the characters in the movie during that scene.

Well I could go on for awhile but I think I made my point for now.

Review

In a continuance to examine my life and what I'm doing with my future I have been decided what I should be doing with my self in the fall.

My options so far are:

1. Continue with where I am now. I don't think I want to work here for much longer but I could probably stick it out for the next year or so to pay off my debt and figure out where I want to go next. Not the my favorite option but realistically the one I will end up choosing unless I get serious about making changes.
2. Apply for positions in The Pas. I'm not sure I necessarily want to live there for the rest of my life but getting a job there that will pay as much or more then here would be away for me to sever my ties at work (something I tend to have a hard time doing) and try to start fresh.
3. Drop down to part time and go back to school to upgrade, increase my gpa and obtain the required courses to apply and qualify for education. This would take at least a year and then the after degree in education would take another 2 but by 30 I could have a career in teaching. Something that interests me but would be a big financial risk for myself.
4. Apply to teach ESL overseas (perhaps Taiwan). I would need to do a lot of prep work this summer (graduate for university, take an ESL class, get my passport and other paperwork ready and track down potential schools that I could get interviews at when I arrive, as it isn't recommended to accept a position before you arrive). I've always wanted to travel and this would allow me to still be able to make loan payments well doing so. My plan would be to take a position for about a year and then do a backpacking trip through europe afterwards. Of all the options this one could possibly be the most interesting and at the same time the scariest as its completely unknown to me. Alan says that he would do it with me so I wouldn't be completely alone but it will involve a lot of planning. Very tempting to just leave the country for a year though. Especially well I'm still in my twenties.

I'm kinda leaning towards option 4 right now and keeping 3 as my backup. In other words, start working towards getting things arranged for leaving in the fall for asia but if it doesn't work to leave then I could go back to university to ungrade and try for second semester or spring to go.

As usual my biggest hurdle is myself. So its a matter of getting my act together and working towards a goal.

Planning for the future

Lately I've been considering my future, career and lifestyle wise, and realize that this isn't where I see myself. Whether for this company or something similar. I want more stability as well as a feeling of accomplishment. Until I manage to start and run my own business I need something that is rewarding.

I've tossed the idea around of moving home for awhile. I'm also considering upgrading my courses to boost my gpa and have enough courses in a qualified teachable major (chemistry most likely) and attempt to get into Education. Most likely Brandon is my best bet but I could get lucky and get in at UofW or UofM. Right now I'm weighing my options and deciding whether its worth going back full time this fall to get the required courses. Without them I will never get in but there is no garrantee that I'll get in with them so thats where I need to decide if its worth the risk.

We'll see.